Teens have lives that are neither here nor there and, understandably so, some of the issues that surround them are often misunderstood. Their lives are in the midst of a childhood gone by and the onset of adulthood. In order for the children to navigate themselves through such times, they need their parents support. Fortunately for parents their vast experience covers all such stages in their own personal lives and they can use their own wisdom to strike a balance in the life of teenagers. Being a teenager however has gone through a visible change in the last few decades, and parenting techniques must evolve accordingly – it really is the call of the hour.
In order for parents to polish their parenting techniques, they must first acknowledge that the generation gap is larger than ever. We live in the technology generation and the world that our parents grew up in is like night and day from the world that we are in now. According to a recent article (published in the Washington Post), teenagers are spending about nine hours a day using online media. Their opinions, actions and world views are constantly being influenced by the online world. In this day and age when the typical teenager has access to a number of online resources parents must also adopt effective parenting techniques to keep up with the times.
Parents need to acknowledge this marked difference and imbibe the values that they treasure within the kids in different, more suitable ways. How would your teen respond to being shouted at for coming home to late? Indignation is my first guess. Instead, we need to find other ways to get our message through. The main question is how to instil values without curtailing their independence in the most tactful way possible.
Well, HIL is here to help.
We at HIL are firm advocators of being empathetic. So, take a step back and get some perspective. Being reactive never works. Understand what he/she is going through and act at opportune moments. Here’s an example: Your son fails his maths test. You shout at him. How would he react? He is probably already low and will not be open to hearing you out and may act out or react as well. Talk to him at opportune moments when he will be able to hear you and use this episode as a learning to work harder next time.
You must give your teen his/her space. If they get upset, give them space and they will come around. If they are in a bad mood, give them some time to themselves until they cool down. Then, go and speak to them when you can both empathise with them and get your message through as well. Tell them in a calm tone what is acceptable and what is not; making sure you give them an opportunity to express their thoughts too.
Moreover, you cannot substitute your love and attention by giving your teen expensive gifts. You need to be there for them when they need you. You need to make time on a daily basis to talk to them rather than emerging only when corrective action needs to be taken. Expectations need to be set and reiterated regularly; leaving room for reworking/negotiation as they get older. If you can understand his/her love language (see previous blog), you can understand how you can connect with your teen better and get your message through.
You need to understand that children are keen observers. They imitate the behaviours of their parents. If you want respect you have to treat them with respect. You have to set values early in the child’s life and follow them yourself as well. You have to be the person you want your teenager to become.
Lastly, if you feel you are still not able to get through you may need to get professional help by visiting a counsellor who has the ability to subtly understand your teen and work in his/her best interests. Also, the teen may be more revealing to a counsellor who may then be able to accurately understand and solve the problem.
So… have the times really changed?
Sure – now the world is more open and transparent. Technology and the cross of cultures has added broad spectrums to parenting and it is okay to seek help. It is good news that our human instinct and values remain quite the same, so no issue is too foreign and there’s nothing really that cannot be dealt with. That being said, it always helps to keep up with the new “know how’s” so that your version of the world gets a regular software update that your children can download easily.